Gatecrasher

Tomorrow I am going here. I am hoping that I find myself doing things that I am really too old to do.

Yarmouth Biscuits

Who ate all the flapjacks? That was me. So I decided to replace what was in the biscuit tin with something homemade: Yarmouth Biscuits. One cup caster sugar, one cup plain flour, half cup butter, raisins, two beaten eggs. Ten minutes at Gas 7 (220c). The mix came out very wet. Perhaps one egg would have done it. I put the wet mix into a cup cake tray and created Yarmouth Cakes. They really taste strongly of orange. I put orange in too. Perhaps less orange would have done it.

In addition, I decided I wanted to add a manbag, change purse and wallet to my birthday wishlist. I like the whole distressed leather Guiness ad peasant look.

Who should I listen to?

I should probably listen to Radio 2 but I just can't. Every time I try I feel like I am seeing how long I can keep my face submerged in a bowl of bland. So that means I would rather get irritated by Chris Moyles and his gang in the morning than get indifferent to Terry Wogan.

This morning Moylsey was talking about not wanting to go to the Sony Radio Awards because he always gets approached by local radio DJs introducing themselves as his 'competition' on their local breakfast show. Fresh from Radio One's One Big Weekend music festival Moyles contemptuously muttered "you are so not our competition".

He's piling on the audience figures, he's in the papers but to be honest, I really miss Mark and Lard...

Pants...

I watched the incredible ITV drama Flood tonight. It's awful, mainly because it is ludicrous. The most believable part of the whole thing is the catastrophic flooding of London. There isn't one convincing relationship or motivating force in the rest of the show.

There is the classic disaster movie Old Fool Who Had Been Warning About This For Years. No-one was taking any notice of him until it became dramatically necessary for them to do so but when that time arrived suddenly everything Old Fool said was gospel.

COBRA, the Whitehall committee charged with sorting out catastrophes, decides that evacuating London in three hours is a better plan than telling everyone to go upstairs into those high London buildings we keep seeing on the news.

Robert Carlyle keeps diving into the torrent for a heroic paddle about and suspiciously keeps telling his lady friend in a flimsy silk blouse that they cannot stay here and must get into the water again...

Joanne Whalley is running Cobra without access to either Sky News, BBC News 24 or even Capital Radio. You can tell she is getting a grip of the situation when she demands some video coverage of the mayhem.

The CGI pictures of London getting swallowed up by floodwater are pretty good but I would have thought the iconic scenes of the Whitehouse getting destroyed in Independence Day or even Parliament going up in V for Vendetta should have taught film makers to savour the destruction of our seats of Government. Tower Bridge gets a good hammering but really they could have tried harder.

The thing is, Flood is so bad that you find yourself trying to work out what could have caused it. Did all the money go on the special effects and the actors? Did they start with footage of London being destroyed and then try to work a story around it? Did anyone watch it before they pressed the button marked 'Broadcast'?

The nuts...

Slam by Pendulum

Love this...

It makes me think of Bonnie, who I sing to it to punish her for not falling asleep in my arms.

Full Body Massage

I was given a full body massage yesterday so I could write a feature about what it feels like to be a man having a spa treatment usually associated with the ladies. It felt great.